Parenting Panel Unanswered Questions

On March 26th, at the end of the series "Families For Dummies" we held a "Family Panel" with several couples poised to answer questions submitted from our church family. We could not get to all the questions, so here are brief answers to the unanswered questions that were text-ed in for the panel. If you have additional questions please contact me and we can set an appointment for further information.

God bless

Pastor Dave

How do you handle it when you child constantly questions your authority?

When children challenge your authority, they are usually testing you to see how far they can go. Dr. James Dobson says, “Children are constantly trying to determine where the boundaries are.”  You are the one who sets the boundaries; therefore they will continually test the boundaries you set, making you feel that they are challenging your authority. Your job? REMAIN STEADFAST! You are the one God is using to shape their lives. Don’t give up. It may feel like a constant losing battle, but it’s not. It will pay off in the long run… hopefully shorter! J

Please, explain the importance behind eating family meals together.

Short answer: UNITY! It provides a regular opportunity to decompress life events comfortably around the dinner table. Many important subjects crop up in the context of the comfort of a relaxed dinner together. This may be one of the best opportunities to get to know your children, their friends that are invited over, and for them to have your dedicated attention. It also provides unbelievable opportunities for teaching and training.

Why is it better to spank with an object rather than a hand?

You never want your children to shy away from your touch. The problem with spanking with the hand is it’s the best instrument for a loving touch. With it you stroke their face, rib their back, and hold them close to you. It is an instrument of love, not discipline.

How do you keep kids from overtaking your marriage in a negative way?

Remember your children are not the reason you got married. You got married because you love your spouse and you want to share the rest of your life with them. Therefore, you need to develop the discipline to make sure you spend time as a married couple investing in your relationship and into each other. Your job in parenting is to provide for your children, grow them up in the disciplines of the Lord, and equip them for life, so you can send them out adequately equipped to live on their own. Too many couples devote so much time on child rearing that they lose touch with each other and they lose their focus. This is a difficult discipline! Make it a priority, if you don’t, your children will squeeze everything out of you and you will have nothing left for each other. And when the kids leave you will wake up one day and look at each other as strangers. Don’t let that happen!

How do you handle having two different ideas of discipline in between two parents?

It takes unifying compromise. It makes sense; you come from different families, different backgrounds, different styles of family and how you were treated. Your job as adults with children is to sit down and talk about your experiences and willingly work through how the two of you will discipline your children. Sometimes this requires an outside “mediator” to help you think through it unemotionally. So if needed get some help! Where? A respected mature couple whom you both agree on, a Christian Counselor, pastor, and possibly your parents. Whatever you decide on, it must be mutual and unified!

What are some practical ways that a man can keep from resigning all of the parenting responsibility to their wife?

I am assuming that this is the wife asking this question. It takes a dedicated conversation, or many conversations. Determining responsibility in parenting is always a result of communication, compromise, and consideration. Unfortunately many men think of parenting as a woman’s job, Not according to the Bible! IN Ephesians 6:4 Paul instructs “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” That seems pretty clear, God expects Dads to be radically involved in the parenting process. Sometimes, it takes some good counsel from a respected man to help a dad understand this responsibility. Don’t sit at home and try to argue your husband into parenting, find someone who he respects and ask for their input.

Do you make your kids go to church? And if so, When do you stop making your kids go to church?

As long as your children are your responsibility, meaning they live under your roof and you pay the bills, absolutely! Remember it is your job to teach your children about God and to give them every opportunity to accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior. How is that going to happen if church is an option? If you don’t require them to attend church, it suggests that God is an option as well. Do you want to stand before God some day and say, “God, I’m sorry; my kids didn’t want to get up and go to church. I decided to let them find You on their own, and unfortunately when they didn’t.”

How do you decide how much freedom to give your kids?

It depends on how much freedom they earn. Freedom is earned through responsibility. The parable of the talents (Matthew 25:14-30 & Luke 19:12-27) is a good example of how to give out freedom. You give them small freedoms and see how they handle it, encourage them on how to use the freedom, and you reward the good use of freedom with additional appropriate freedoms.

How do you handle the adult handoff (when your kids are ready to spread their wings?)

If you have been properly preparing them to leave your home, it will be a natural part of the process. A significant key is: when they leave home, let them experience all the benefits and consequences of their decisions. If you save them every time they fail, you’re probably getting in the way of God’s natural process of growth and maturity. Both Paul and James wrote on how God grow us up. (Romans 5:3-5 & James 1:2-4)

When do you start encouraging them to spread their wings?

As soon as they are capable and ready. The earlier the better!

How do you resign authority without resigning influence?

Authority means you determine what they can and cannot do. Influence is providing suggestions without requirement. Your authority is limited to your responsibility. If you are no longer responsible (they are not living at home anymore) your authority has ended, but your influence should never end!  You prepare your children and yourself for this by teaching them to make good decisions, by offering simple options to your children whenever the opportunity arises. It starts simply: your children need new athletic shoes; so you go to the store and let them try on two different kinds of shoes that you choose. Then you give them a choice between the two. As they get older the choices and options become bigger and more diverse. This teaches them good decision making and it teaches them to allow you to offer opinions on more difficult issues as they grow up.