On March 26th, at the end of the series "Families For Dummies" we held a "Family Panel" with several couples poised to answer questions submitted from our church family. We could not get to all the questions, so here are brief answers to the unanswered questions that were text-ed in for the panel. If you have additional questions please contact me and we can set an appointment for further information.
God bless
Pastor Dave
How do you handle it when you child
constantly questions your authority?
When children
challenge your authority, they are usually testing you to see how far they can
go. Dr. James Dobson says, “Children are constantly trying to determine where
the boundaries are.” You are the one who
sets the boundaries; therefore they will continually test the boundaries you
set, making you feel that they are challenging your authority. Your job? REMAIN
STEADFAST! You are the one God is using to shape their lives. Don’t give up. It
may feel like a constant losing battle, but it’s not. It will pay off in the
long run… hopefully shorter! J
Please, explain the importance behind
eating family meals together.
Short answer: UNITY!
It provides a regular opportunity to decompress life events comfortably around
the dinner table. Many important subjects crop up in the context of the comfort
of a relaxed dinner together. This may be one of the best opportunities to get
to know your children, their friends that are invited over, and for them to
have your dedicated attention. It also provides unbelievable opportunities for
teaching and training.
Why is it better to spank with an
object rather than a hand?
You never want your children
to shy away from your touch. The problem with spanking with the hand is it’s
the best instrument for a loving touch. With it you stroke their face, rib
their back, and hold them close to you. It is an instrument of love, not
discipline.
How do you keep kids from overtaking
your marriage in a negative way?
Remember your
children are not the reason you got married. You got married because you love
your spouse and you want to share the rest of your life with them. Therefore, you
need to develop the discipline to make sure you spend time as a married couple
investing in your relationship and into each other. Your job in parenting is to
provide for your children, grow them up in the disciplines of the Lord, and
equip them for life, so you can send them out adequately equipped to live on
their own. Too many couples devote so much time on child rearing that they lose
touch with each other and they lose their focus. This is a difficult
discipline! Make it a priority, if you don’t, your children will squeeze
everything out of you and you will have nothing left for each other. And when
the kids leave you will wake up one day and look at each other as strangers.
Don’t let that happen!
How do you handle having two different
ideas of discipline in between two parents?
It takes unifying
compromise. It makes sense; you come from different families, different
backgrounds, different styles of family and how you were treated. Your job as
adults with children is to sit down and talk about your experiences and willingly
work through how the two of you will discipline your children. Sometimes this
requires an outside “mediator” to help you think through it unemotionally. So
if needed get some help! Where? A respected mature couple whom you both agree
on, a Christian Counselor, pastor, and possibly your parents. Whatever you
decide on, it must be mutual and unified!
What are some practical ways that a man
can keep from resigning all of the parenting responsibility to their wife?
I am assuming that
this is the wife asking this question. It takes a dedicated conversation, or
many conversations. Determining responsibility in parenting is always a result
of communication, compromise, and consideration. Unfortunately many men think
of parenting as a woman’s job, Not according to the Bible! IN Ephesians 6:4 Paul instructs “Fathers, do not exasperate your children;
instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” That
seems pretty clear, God expects Dads to be radically involved in the parenting
process. Sometimes, it takes some good counsel from a respected man to help a
dad understand this responsibility. Don’t sit at home and try to argue your
husband into parenting, find someone who he respects and ask for their input.
Do you make your kids go to church? And
if so, When do you stop making your kids go to church?
As long as your
children are your responsibility, meaning they live under your roof and you pay
the bills, absolutely! Remember
it is your job to teach your children about God and to give them every
opportunity to accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior. How is that going to
happen if church is an option? If you don’t require them to attend church, it
suggests that God is an option as well. Do you want to stand before God some
day and say, “God, I’m sorry; my kids didn’t want to get up and go to church. I
decided to let them find You on their own, and unfortunately when they didn’t.”
How do you decide how much freedom to
give your kids?
It depends on how
much freedom they earn. Freedom is earned through responsibility. The parable
of the talents (Matthew 25:14-30 &
Luke 19:12-27) is a good example of how to give out freedom. You give them
small freedoms and see how they handle it, encourage them on how to use the
freedom, and you reward the good use of freedom with additional appropriate
freedoms.
How do you handle the adult handoff
(when your kids are ready to spread their wings?)
If you have been
properly preparing them to leave your home, it will be a natural part of the
process. A significant key is: when they leave home, let them experience all
the benefits and consequences of their decisions. If you save them every time
they fail, you’re probably getting in the way of God’s natural process of
growth and maturity. Both Paul and James wrote on how God grow us up. (Romans 5:3-5 & James 1:2-4)
When do you start encouraging them to
spread their wings?
As soon as they are
capable and ready. The earlier the better!
How do you resign authority without
resigning influence?
Authority means you determine what they can and cannot do.
Influence is providing suggestions without requirement. Your authority is
limited to your responsibility. If you are no longer responsible (they are not
living at home anymore) your authority has ended, but your influence should
never end! You prepare your children and
yourself for this by teaching them to make good decisions, by offering simple
options to your children whenever the opportunity arises. It starts simply: your
children need new athletic shoes; so you go to the store and let them try on
two different kinds of shoes that you choose. Then you give them a choice
between the two. As they get older the choices and options become bigger and
more diverse. This teaches them good decision making and it teaches them to
allow you to offer opinions on more difficult issues as they grow up.
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